Already Got Mine Nigga...

U.S. hip-hop, super freak executive Russell Simmons on Monday recommended eliminating the words "bitch," "ho" and "nigger" from the recording industry, considering them "extreme curse words, and besides I like being the richest nigga in history, more niggaz mean less money, if you know what I'm saying!" The statement was jointly issued and concluded "We recommend that the recording and broadcast industries voluntarily remove/bleep/delete the misogynistic words 'bitch' and 'ho' and the racially offensive word 'nigger'," Simmons and Benjamin Chavis, co-chairmen of the advocacy group Hip-Hop Brown Peoples Summit Action Network read aloud together.

Simmons, co-founder of the Def Jam label and a driving force behind hip-hop's huge commercial success, called for voluntary restrictions on the words and setting up an industry watchdog to recommend guidelines for lyrical and visual standards. " We need a bigass Christian white lady who knows how to keep a nigga in line. I was thinking that shaky old Janet Reno probably knows how to lay it out and she's just sitting around in Florida, right?" Simmons said. When asked by a female BBC reporter if it was a hypocritical stance considering the fortune made by Simmons on the hip hop industry, Simmons responded " Shouldn't you be somewhere poppin your pussy? I am trying to help America out here."

Kinky, Vile Sex in Tennensee? The Shame.

While the very thought may seem improbable, there is apparently kinky sex happening in Tennessee and unbelievably with PREACHERS no less. This according to Mary Winkler, who was convicted of voluntary manslaughter after shooting her husband to death with a shotgun. She testified she had to wear wigs and heels and even "slutty skirts for her husband." In this shocking case of abuse, she was also forced to watch pornography on her husbands computer.

" I just wanted us to make the filthy act through holes in our marriage sheets while praising Jesus our Lord and savior while creating more offspring to carry his glorious message to the world" she stated after her trial. " I am not a whore of Babylon!" she screamed angelically at reporters. "My husband soiled the word of the Lord God with his disgusting perversions and lusts."

Thankfully, the horrible nature of Mathew Winkler, her husband, did not appear to affect their children, one of whom testified he was a "wonderful father" at her mothers trial. When asked about her future plans Winkler stated she hoped to be an active figure in Prison Evangelical groups "teaching other women they are not at fault for the ugly lustful sin men bring to the world." At least two Egyptian fundamentalist Muslim groups have issued statements applauding her "heroic and morally correct actions" and one group had offered to remove her "vagina and dirty pillows to free you from your mortal chains." It is unclear if Winkler had a response to the offer.

Pet Food Recall Human Deaths

The pet food poisonings which have recently traumatized the nation have now been linked to the deaths of at least 4 homeless men in three cities. After having consumed Frisky Puss Choice Tender Veal Nibblets, apparently a favorite among bums due to the tender chunks of real rejected veal, all 4 men suffered fatal respiratory failure. The names of the victims have not been released because no one cares and they were not cute nor lovable.

Wikipedia reaches the logical conclusion

Wikipedia, the web's most unique and massive utilization of free zombie labor, has reached a decision on the future direction of the successfully strange experiment. Facing competition from Citizendium, questions about it's accuracy and with the same blindly misguided Democratic force that made it the world's most popular online encyclopedia, Wikipedia has subjected itself to "speedy deletion" due to complete irrelevance. As one former Wiki administrator "nawlin's wiki"commented after the announcement," It was like, What am I doing? I have wasted three years of my life waving an imaginary big dick around cyberspace, and for what? I've got these idiotic barnstars created by other dumbshits and "awarded" to me and a big list of other people's writing I crapped on and a bigger list of my accomplishments that somebody else could just EDIT! I am just going back to jerking off to porn. I should have designed some software or at least had a girlfriend" Lessons learned.

The 93,600,000 Yen Cum Shot

Prince of Japanese porn Asakada Yumicho signed a deal on Wednesday with mega mogul Richard Branson to film the first ever porn movie in space for an incredible $800,000. Scheduled for 2009, the movie will be filmed on Virgin Galactica's initial commercial flight of SpaceShipOne and will have three male actors, two camera men and has actually brought famed Japanese Fuck Girl Akira Watase out of retirement.

Yumicho responded to questions about safety of the actors and the overall cost of the project; "Look, this is only going to happen once, and as a proud Japanese patriot, I was going to make sure we were the ones to do it. We have perfected this art on this planet and we will be the first to perfect it in space. In terms of physical safety, the actors are well aware of the dangers involved but are proud to participate in this historical event regardless of the risks."

The beautiful 23 year old Watase stated in Tokyo on Thursday "After taking literally thousands of cumshots in my face, ass and pussy, how bad could space be? I mean a 4 minute scene should be no problem after experiencing gangbangs that sometimes lasted for six or seven hours straight. Really, I once drank 132 ounces of spunk! I am more worried about making sure the goo gets on my face and in a beautiful and elegant way!"

Her concerns seem well founded considering no one truly knows the effect weightlessness will have on the actors. "The guys will have to be getting ready for the big shot before take off even occurs" laughed Branson, "we are talking about a ninety second flight before reaching weightlessness and four minutes of that isn't a long time to reach a climax! At least for an old guy like me." When asked why a man with everything would want to participate in such a questionable historical event, Branson said "It's my way of realizing a personal fantasy I had of ejaculating on the face of that black bitch from the old Star Trek. But she's an old woman now, so why not this? Besides, I am so rich who can say bollocks?"

Yumicho seemed less concerned about his male actors or the negative press. "I am taking my most dependable shooters, they cum on command like good soldiers, these guys could cum while asleep if need be. They will deliver. I am more worried about the technical aspects and making sure to capture this moment beautifully for Japan and for mankind. There will be only one take, it is the epitome of utilizing ones ultimate skills." The plot and action sequence is tightly under wraps but it is assumed the movies will involve pre-flight foreplay and copulation, the space money shots and some sperm play while floating back to earth. If Yumicho holds to his artful tradition, fans will make this THE classic Japanese cosplay movie. Three small cumshots for Wakase, one giant squirt for outerspace sex movies.

Dick Cheney's Unnatural Move to Wyoming

The bombshell dropped in the latest day of testimony during the trial of Scooter Libby has judge Nelson J Parner on the verge of declaring the whole embarrassment a mistrial. Monday, Libby testified that the Vice-President's move to Wyoming was less about political influence peddling and tax purposes than about the "unnatural practices" that Cheney is famous for in a closed circle of friends. When the issue began to be probed deeper by state prosecutor Ely Falgento, Libby related that it was well known by neighbors in Wyoming that " Cheney would screw just about anything he could fit into, but he has a particular fondness for a yellow lab named Daisy. He takes that poor dog everywhere. And apparently Dick thinks I'm next in line." The courtroom fell dead silent and the judge declared an immediate recess one hour before lunch. A closed door session with the all attorney's involved followed.
Upon the return to session, Libby was warned to make his language suitable for a courtroom of law and his previous remarks were stricken from the transcripts. Neighbor of Cheney John C. Thompson told CNN report Barkushga Nipal by telephone "In Wyoming, what a man does with his animals is no bodies business but his own, oh and his wife of course." Is this the reason for Cheney's new interest in miniature stallions? If Monday was any example of coming testimony, it is sure to become unnaturally clear in the end.

Anna Nicole Smith's dies, Nowak complicite?

Following the tragic death of Anna Nicole Smith, there has not been a single mention of fallen astronaut Lisa Nowak wearing a diaper.

Kooky Astronaut's diaper on eBAY.

Less than 24 hours after being charged with first degree murder a further indignity has been heaped onto the plate of suspended Astronaut Lisa Nowak. Due to an oversight by an unnamed Orlando Police officer, the diaper worn by the accused murderer on her 900 mile odyssey to commit the alleged crimes has shown up on the auction site eBay. Orlando Police Spokesman Ken Bridley said the officer "threw the diaper into a trashbag after the woman's arrest because the urine soaked diaper was possibly contaminating crucial fingerprint evidence." The trash bag was then mistakenly cleaned up upon cataloging the evidence and the police lost track of its whereabouts.
It is not known if the item listed on eBay is the actual diaper but eBay has not pulled the listing at this time. The item has 14 bids and is currently priced at $12.50. It is described as a "used Depends adult diaper, swollen, wet and funky smelling, stored in a zip lock bag." Orlando Police are investigating.

Apple releases yet another version of iphone!

On the heels of this weeks release of the long awaited iphone, the people at Apple have already introduced the first of many probable future variations of the highly reviewed iphone. "We just couldn't keep this to ourselves. It's too good." Steve Jobs said at an early morning internet press conference. "What we do is find something flawed and make it right." Jobs said regarding Apple's latest release nicknamed the idriftphone. " We've taken an piece of useless driftwood and embedded the fully functional iphone touchscreen and made a mediocre piece of floatsam function how people wished it would, no pun intended." Jobs joked. When questioned about the functionality of ordinary driftwood, Jobs indicated that mainly it was just not up to speed ergonomically. "It usually has sharp edges or dirt stuck in the cracks, things people don't like but that manufacturers like "God" apparently didn't care enough to fix. Secondly, the screen tends to look just like wood. I mean wood makes the crappiest screen ever." When asked if the increase in weight and size and the possibility of bugs would turn users off, Jobs replied "People will go bigger if it functions, feels and looks like it should, and bugs, come on it's an Apple not a PC!" While Jobs did indicate there may be shortages of driftwood in getting these first units to market, he assured loyal consumers that Apple has been coaching hordes of poor villagers all over Asia and Africa into chopping down trees to throw in the ocean for over two years. "I have a sneaking suspicion that the supply will rise to meet the demand." Jobs said with a wink.

Rockstar Games carjacks good taste yet again?

The post-modern un-darling-king of the gaming industry, Rockstar Games is turning up the heat on itself again. With the groundbreaking GTA series, San Andreas and Bully under their belt and all huge commercial successes despite the questionable subject matter, Rockstar is determined to push the bounds yet again. Have they gone too far this time?
Due out in early September, BULLY2-Problem Solver will have parents shaking in their boots. Unlike previous titles whom cast of characters somehow seemed to deserve their fate (remember even the carjacked grandpas on GTA would sometimes deliver an ass whipping) the targets of this game is...... parents. That's right Mom and Dad, after having has finished cleaning up the mess at school, the oppressed gang assemble for a new mis-adventure. In a somewhat philosophical turn that smacks of a Charlie Manson zeitgeist, the kids decide it's the parents fault that they had to endure the torment of their life in total. Who invented the society, schools, hierarchies we suffer under in the first place? Who instilled the total lack of skills necessary to navigate said structures? You get the drift.
So Rockstar has decided the world needs a game where you can not only torture, torment, and rape (although, not rape your own parents...you can rape your "friends" parents. At least that bound hasn't been crossed) but have a myriad of ways you can dispose of the evidence to continue to outwit the authorities and play on. While we cannot go into graphic details about the vivid gameplay options here, suffice it to say that the first XXX game rating will be issued and possibly only be available online to valid credit card holders.
Will the game stir controversy and hysteria to a new plateau? Damn right. Will the game be banned? Probably. Will this propel Rockstar in to the Super Rockstar game masters category for eternity. Bet on it. Just as the furor over their previous title was obsessed and fraught over and then completely digested by mainstream America almost overnight, including a CocaCola Super Bowl commercial that pays homage to GTA, this game, once out of the box will ensure lid can never be closed again. Sleep tight Mom and Dad.

Pottery Barn: largest home furnishing supporter of Gun Lobby

According to California regional NRA spokesman Ben Ternis, Pottery Barn, the California based home furnishings retail giant is "very active" in supporting the right for Americans to bear arms. "They have given large sums of money and volunteer time to help the cause of freedom for the support of the constitutional right to bear arms." said Ternis Monday at a meeting of the Fresno Chamber of Commerce. Ternis continued to describe a situation where the media was consistently overplaying the case against corporate gun supporters and that it was somehow waning. "It's just not true." said Ternis. "You might look at Pottery Barn and see some kind of woodsy, cuddly forest supporting company just because they use wood to make many of their products. But you would be wrong, they are running a business, and guns are good for business in so many obvious ways, but that is not to say that Pottery Bran isn't actually forest supporting, because those two causes are not mutually exclusive." Mr. Ternis did not go on to specify in what ways guns were good for business but did finish with an unprecedented admission by the NRA. "Guns obviously kill people but come on, people may have been knifed on a 7' sectional sofa slipcovered in twill, but does that make it wrong for Pottery barn to continue to make a living or to do what's right for America?" Williams-Sonoma, the parent company of Pottery Barn could not be reached for comment.