Texas Sex Sect Succombs To Success

Investigators searching the temple of a polygamist sect in Texas found a waterbed, sex swing and a veritable "sexual gymnasium" used by men to have sex with their under-age "wives", court papers reveal. "We were gonna make a website," said an unnamed spokesman for the group, "building a religion just to get teen sex is exhausting and expensive, we thought banner advertising would help, GOD ROCKS!"

Girls as young as 13 were "spiritually married," to older husbands in the sect, investigators say, and the chicks really dug it, especially the older, fat and dumpy wives who were busy washing sperm off of calico dresses and teen panties all day long.

More than 400 children, 130 women, 277 rats, 327 peeps, 2 goats, 16 1/2 barbecues, 37 mismatched socks, 2,456 pairs of Payless shoes, 14 banana peels, a fog horn from the famed luxury liner "The Love boat", 192 George Foreman lean mean grilling machines, and one UPS truck who apparently made a delivery of 14 cases of Aqua-lube and was coverted, have been removed from the compound since it was raided on 3 April. There was also a signed picture of a tanned George Hamilton at the compound with the inscription "My FLDS friends- Who know what's down is what's up, Alright!!."

The sect's lawyers had sought to limit a search but have agreed temple records can be scrutinized under supervision and as long as investigators wore pink baby nighties and call out "Oh, I couldn't! Your my uncle!" every five minutes while searching to respect the hallowed temples traditions.

The compound belongs to the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (FLDS), a breakaway branch of Mormonism devoted to tagging teen pussy and lots of it. They are also know as the (BTPP) Bareback Teen Pussy Pumpers for their "productiveness."

Only Locked "vaults" around here

According to court papers released on Wednesday, the temple in the compound "contains an area where there is a bed where males over the age of 17 engage in sexual activity with female children under the age of 17, for like 10 or 15 seconds before they cum and play checkers before going to the temple again."

Church built at the FLDS's compound in Texas (2005)with a grant from the John D and Catherine T MacArthur Fund. Troopers raided the FLDS compound after a girl called authorities saying her and 200 of her best friends were being fucked silly by their dad and made to dress like old pioneers every day, "And the clothes are so ugly!".

The bed had disturbed linen and what appeared to be a female hair and the slightly musky, honeydew scent, according to an affidavit signed by a Texas Ranger who is in charge of the special "Smell Unit" of the Texas Rangers who use their noses to check for "teen spirit" as it is euphemistically referred to.

Investigators also found "multiple locked safes, locked desk drawers, locked vaults, as well as multiple computers and beds and doors", the court papers said, "There are a lot of doors here, some of them locked."

The search has turned up documents mentioning a 16-year-old girl who had four breasts ("Oh, wondrous miracle of fecundity!" was written in the margins) and a man living at the site who has 20 "wives" but forgot which ones they were except he knew one was his cousin Libby but he forgot what she looked like.

State troopers have also now completed a week-long search of the 1,700-acre grounds of the compound in Shortschlonger County. They found rocks and bushes, plus an old car door, but it was like going on a pic a nik and getting paid for it, plus as one trooper mentioned "You never know when you'll find something hot, like some panties or something, I woulda' done it in the bushes, wouldn't you?"

Texan authorities currently have legal custody of 416 children (I mean 400, or 407) all of them believed to have been living at the ranch, but one boy was picked up walking home from school to a nearby ranch because he was "dressed old timey." They were taken to Fort Concho, an old frontier fort, because what could be weirder than holding 400 kids dressed as as pioneers at an old fort. Tours begin Monday.

Super Star Pussy Shots

Just thought I'd point out that I haven't posted a single snapping clam shot of B. Spears, Lindsay Lohan or any of the other widely available Hollywood vagina portraits.

Jet Blue Cleverly Upsells Air

The head of JetBlue Airways Corp. said Tuesday the low-cost carrier expects to blast its noncore revenue by 60 percent this year, in part by charging passengers extra for better quality air. "What we want ... is the ability to upsell, and what's a better upsell than the life-giver itself ?" Chief Executive David Burgerrsheister said.

Speaking at an investment conference in Disneyland's Tomorrow World Expo Conference Center, Burrgersheister said "demand is solid across the JetBlue network," and he assured analysts the carrier is "in the middle of a re-momentum, pre-positioning, post-eliptical, reduction + increase story," in spite of industry wide worries of a dumping economy and sharply rising fuel prices, "though clearly everyone knows that's a load of bullshit. But I just said it, Ha."

Like a number of its competitors and fumbling fobblewashes, JetBlue's share price was castrated and made into less of a man/airlines in recent weeks as crude oil prices shot to all-time highs. Tough competition has made it difficult for domestic airlines to raise fares fast enough to keep pace with rising fuel costs being as it is a untenable and fake pyramid scheme in reality, leaving carriers scrambling to find additional cost savings and new sources of revenue. Southwest was considering a series of bank jobs to pull in some new cash flow since the funny safety procedures routine has shown itself to be just a cheap ploy at appearing like a company that cares.

Delta Airlines earlier in the day announced plans to shed 2,000 employees like a scab off a chancre. Administrative and management jobs will be dumped through voluntary severance payouts and other initiatives the employees have to take."What other choices do these lackeys have?" commented an unnamed heartless bitch at Delta in charge of the reductions. Unbeknownst to her, the regional manager Jim Hertsfelt confided her unnamed head is on the block directly after she finished his present wet business. "Serves the cunt right, she is so gloating," he said.

Burgerrsheister said JetBlue, expects to roll out a program called "Can You Breathe Now" that will offer passengers an oxygen mask that will provide superior air especially filtered and cleaned for an added fee. A spokeswoman declined to provide details of the plan, but Burgerrsheister made it clear the newly double-class carrier can dial back the air in the rest of the cabin making passengers "slightly uncomfortable, but not dangerously so" if the additional air is not purchased. JetBlue is not planning to start offering the additional air in business-class service since they have "paid enough to deserve decent air. We're going to a two-cabin airplane," he said with a smile. "If you are in the shitty seats, your gonna need the extra air. We're very open to different types of opportunities, we may even make people sit on milk crates at some point" he said. "We want the money and do not really care if our customers wish to part with it. Once your on our plane," he smiled, "your ass is mine."

Already Got Mine Nigga...

U.S. hip-hop, super freak executive Russell Simmons on Monday recommended eliminating the words "bitch," "ho" and "nigger" from the recording industry, considering them "extreme curse words, and besides I like being the richest nigga in history, more niggaz mean less money, if you know what I'm saying!" The statement was jointly issued and concluded "We recommend that the recording and broadcast industries voluntarily remove/bleep/delete the misogynistic words 'bitch' and 'ho' and the racially offensive word 'nigger'," Simmons and Benjamin Chavis, co-chairmen of the advocacy group Hip-Hop Brown Peoples Summit Action Network read aloud together.

Simmons, co-founder of the Def Jam label and a driving force behind hip-hop's huge commercial success, called for voluntary restrictions on the words and setting up an industry watchdog to recommend guidelines for lyrical and visual standards. " We need a bigass Christian white lady who knows how to keep a nigga in line. I was thinking that shaky old Janet Reno probably knows how to lay it out and she's just sitting around in Florida, right?" Simmons said. When asked by a female BBC reporter if it was a hypocritical stance considering the fortune made by Simmons on the hip hop industry, Simmons responded " Shouldn't you be somewhere poppin your pussy? I am trying to help America out here."

Kinky, Vile Sex in Tennensee? The Shame.

While the very thought may seem improbable, there is apparently kinky sex happening in Tennessee and unbelievably with PREACHERS no less. This according to Mary Winkler, who was convicted of voluntary manslaughter after shooting her husband to death with a shotgun. She testified she had to wear wigs and heels and even "slutty skirts for her husband." In this shocking case of abuse, she was also forced to watch pornography on her husbands computer.

" I just wanted us to make the filthy act through holes in our marriage sheets while praising Jesus our Lord and savior while creating more offspring to carry his glorious message to the world" she stated after her trial. " I am not a whore of Babylon!" she screamed angelically at reporters. "My husband soiled the word of the Lord God with his disgusting perversions and lusts."

Thankfully, the horrible nature of Mathew Winkler, her husband, did not appear to affect their children, one of whom testified he was a "wonderful father" at her mothers trial. When asked about her future plans Winkler stated she hoped to be an active figure in Prison Evangelical groups "teaching other women they are not at fault for the ugly lustful sin men bring to the world." At least two Egyptian fundamentalist Muslim groups have issued statements applauding her "heroic and morally correct actions" and one group had offered to remove her "vagina and dirty pillows to free you from your mortal chains." It is unclear if Winkler had a response to the offer.

Pet Food Recall Human Deaths

The pet food poisonings which have recently traumatized the nation have now been linked to the deaths of at least 4 homeless men in three cities. After having consumed Frisky Puss Choice Tender Veal Nibblets, apparently a favorite among bums due to the tender chunks of real rejected veal, all 4 men suffered fatal respiratory failure. The names of the victims have not been released because no one cares and they were not cute nor lovable.

Wikipedia reaches the logical conclusion

Wikipedia, the web's most unique and massive utilization of free zombie labor, has reached a decision on the future direction of the successfully strange experiment. Facing competition from Citizendium, questions about it's accuracy and with the same blindly misguided Democratic force that made it the world's most popular online encyclopedia, Wikipedia has subjected itself to "speedy deletion" due to complete irrelevance. As one former Wiki administrator "nawlin's wiki"commented after the announcement," It was like, What am I doing? I have wasted three years of my life waving an imaginary big dick around cyberspace, and for what? I've got these idiotic barnstars created by other dumbshits and "awarded" to me and a big list of other people's writing I crapped on and a bigger list of my accomplishments that somebody else could just EDIT! I am just going back to jerking off to porn. I should have designed some software or at least had a girlfriend" Lessons learned.