Already Got Mine Nigga...

U.S. hip-hop, super freak executive Russell Simmons on Monday recommended eliminating the words "bitch," "ho" and "nigger" from the recording industry, considering them "extreme curse words, and besides I like being the richest nigga in history, more niggaz mean less money, if you know what I'm saying!" The statement was jointly issued and concluded "We recommend that the recording and broadcast industries voluntarily remove/bleep/delete the misogynistic words 'bitch' and 'ho' and the racially offensive word 'nigger'," Simmons and Benjamin Chavis, co-chairmen of the advocacy group Hip-Hop Brown Peoples Summit Action Network read aloud together.

Simmons, co-founder of the Def Jam label and a driving force behind hip-hop's huge commercial success, called for voluntary restrictions on the words and setting up an industry watchdog to recommend guidelines for lyrical and visual standards. " We need a bigass Christian white lady who knows how to keep a nigga in line. I was thinking that shaky old Janet Reno probably knows how to lay it out and she's just sitting around in Florida, right?" Simmons said. When asked by a female BBC reporter if it was a hypocritical stance considering the fortune made by Simmons on the hip hop industry, Simmons responded " Shouldn't you be somewhere poppin your pussy? I am trying to help America out here."

Kinky, Vile Sex in Tennensee? The Shame.

While the very thought may seem improbable, there is apparently kinky sex happening in Tennessee and unbelievably with PREACHERS no less. This according to Mary Winkler, who was convicted of voluntary manslaughter after shooting her husband to death with a shotgun. She testified she had to wear wigs and heels and even "slutty skirts for her husband." In this shocking case of abuse, she was also forced to watch pornography on her husbands computer.

" I just wanted us to make the filthy act through holes in our marriage sheets while praising Jesus our Lord and savior while creating more offspring to carry his glorious message to the world" she stated after her trial. " I am not a whore of Babylon!" she screamed angelically at reporters. "My husband soiled the word of the Lord God with his disgusting perversions and lusts."

Thankfully, the horrible nature of Mathew Winkler, her husband, did not appear to affect their children, one of whom testified he was a "wonderful father" at her mothers trial. When asked about her future plans Winkler stated she hoped to be an active figure in Prison Evangelical groups "teaching other women they are not at fault for the ugly lustful sin men bring to the world." At least two Egyptian fundamentalist Muslim groups have issued statements applauding her "heroic and morally correct actions" and one group had offered to remove her "vagina and dirty pillows to free you from your mortal chains." It is unclear if Winkler had a response to the offer.

Pet Food Recall Human Deaths

The pet food poisonings which have recently traumatized the nation have now been linked to the deaths of at least 4 homeless men in three cities. After having consumed Frisky Puss Choice Tender Veal Nibblets, apparently a favorite among bums due to the tender chunks of real rejected veal, all 4 men suffered fatal respiratory failure. The names of the victims have not been released because no one cares and they were not cute nor lovable.