Investigators searching the temple of a polygamist sect in Texas found a waterbed, sex swing and a veritable "sexual gymnasium" used by men to have sex with their under-age "wives", court papers reveal. "We were gonna make a website," said an unnamed spokesman for the group, "building a religion just to get teen sex is exhausting and expensive, we thought banner advertising would help, GOD ROCKS!"
Girls as young as 13 were "spiritually married," to older husbands in the sect, investigators say, and the chicks really dug it, especially the older, fat and dumpy wives who were busy washing sperm off of calico dresses and teen panties all day long.
More than 400 children, 130 women, 277 rats, 327 peeps, 2 goats, 16 1/2 barbecues, 37 mismatched socks, 2,456 pairs of Payless shoes, 14 banana peels, a fog horn from the famed luxury liner "The Love boat", 192 George Foreman lean mean grilling machines, and one UPS truck who apparently made a delivery of 14 cases of Aqua-lube and was coverted, have been removed from the compound since it was raided on 3 April. There was also a signed picture of a tanned George Hamilton at the compound with the inscription "My FLDS friends- Who know what's down is what's up, Alright!!."
The sect's lawyers had sought to limit a search but have agreed temple records can be scrutinized under supervision and as long as investigators wore pink baby nighties and call out "Oh, I couldn't! Your my uncle!" every five minutes while searching to respect the hallowed temples traditions.
The compound belongs to the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (FLDS), a breakaway branch of Mormonism devoted to tagging teen pussy and lots of it. They are also know as the (BTPP) Bareback Teen Pussy Pumpers for their "productiveness."
Only Locked "vaults" around here
According to court papers released on Wednesday, the temple in the compound "contains an area where there is a bed where males over the age of 17 engage in sexual activity with female children under the age of 17, for like 10 or 15 seconds before they cum and play checkers before going to the temple again."
Church built at the FLDS's compound in Texas (2005)with a grant from the John D and Catherine T MacArthur Fund. Troopers raided the FLDS compound after a girl called authorities saying her and 200 of her best friends were being fucked silly by their dad and made to dress like old pioneers every day, "And the clothes are so ugly!".
The bed had disturbed linen and what appeared to be a female hair and the slightly musky, honeydew scent, according to an affidavit signed by a Texas Ranger who is in charge of the special "Smell Unit" of the Texas Rangers who use their noses to check for "teen spirit" as it is euphemistically referred to.
Investigators also found "multiple locked safes, locked desk drawers, locked vaults, as well as multiple computers and beds and doors", the court papers said, "There are a lot of doors here, some of them locked."
The search has turned up documents mentioning a 16-year-old girl who had four breasts ("Oh, wondrous miracle of fecundity!" was written in the margins) and a man living at the site who has 20 "wives" but forgot which ones they were except he knew one was his cousin Libby but he forgot what she looked like.
State troopers have also now completed a week-long search of the 1,700-acre grounds of the compound in Shortschlonger County. They found rocks and bushes, plus an old car door, but it was like going on a pic a nik and getting paid for it, plus as one trooper mentioned "You never know when you'll find something hot, like some panties or something, I woulda' done it in the bushes, wouldn't you?"
Texan authorities currently have legal custody of 416 children (I mean 400, or 407) all of them believed to have been living at the ranch, but one boy was picked up walking home from school to a nearby ranch because he was "dressed old timey." They were taken to Fort Concho, an old frontier fort, because what could be weirder than holding 400 kids dressed as as pioneers at an old fort. Tours begin Monday.
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