3/20/08
Super Star Pussy Shots
Just thought I'd point out that I haven't posted a single snapping clam shot of B. Spears, Lindsay Lohan or any of the other widely available Hollywood vagina portraits.
Jet Blue Cleverly Upsells Air
The head of JetBlue Airways Corp. said Tuesday the low-cost carrier expects to blast its noncore revenue by 60 percent this year, in part by charging passengers extra for better quality air. "What we want ... is the ability to upsell, and what's a better upsell than the life-giver itself ?" Chief Executive David Burgerrsheister said.
Speaking at an investment conference in Disneyland's Tomorrow World Expo Conference Center, Burrgersheister said "demand is solid across the JetBlue network," and he assured analysts the carrier is "in the middle of a re-momentum, pre-positioning, post-eliptical, reduction + increase story," in spite of industry wide worries of a dumping economy and sharply rising fuel prices, "though clearly everyone knows that's a load of bullshit. But I just said it, Ha."
Like a number of its competitors and fumbling fobblewashes, JetBlue's share price was castrated and made into less of a man/airlines in recent weeks as crude oil prices shot to all-time highs. Tough competition has made it difficult for domestic airlines to raise fares fast enough to keep pace with rising fuel costs being as it is a untenable and fake pyramid scheme in reality, leaving carriers scrambling to find additional cost savings and new sources of revenue. Southwest was considering a series of bank jobs to pull in some new cash flow since the funny safety procedures routine has shown itself to be just a cheap ploy at appearing like a company that cares.
Delta Airlines earlier in the day announced plans to shed 2,000 employees like a scab off a chancre. Administrative and management jobs will be dumped through voluntary severance payouts and other initiatives the employees have to take."What other choices do these lackeys have?" commented an unnamed heartless bitch at Delta in charge of the reductions. Unbeknownst to her, the regional manager Jim Hertsfelt confided her unnamed head is on the block directly after she finished his present wet business. "Serves the cunt right, she is so gloating," he said.
Burgerrsheister said JetBlue, expects to roll out a program called "Can You Breathe Now" that will offer passengers an oxygen mask that will provide superior air especially filtered and cleaned for an added fee. A spokeswoman declined to provide details of the plan, but Burgerrsheister made it clear the newly double-class carrier can dial back the air in the rest of the cabin making passengers "slightly uncomfortable, but not dangerously so" if the additional air is not purchased. JetBlue is not planning to start offering the additional air in business-class service since they have "paid enough to deserve decent air. We're going to a two-cabin airplane," he said with a smile. "If you are in the shitty seats, your gonna need the extra air. We're very open to different types of opportunities, we may even make people sit on milk crates at some point" he said. "We want the money and do not really care if our customers wish to part with it. Once your on our plane," he smiled, "your ass is mine."
Speaking at an investment conference in Disneyland's Tomorrow World Expo Conference Center, Burrgersheister said "demand is solid across the JetBlue network," and he assured analysts the carrier is "in the middle of a re-momentum, pre-positioning, post-eliptical, reduction + increase story," in spite of industry wide worries of a dumping economy and sharply rising fuel prices, "though clearly everyone knows that's a load of bullshit. But I just said it, Ha."
Like a number of its competitors and fumbling fobblewashes, JetBlue's share price was castrated and made into less of a man/airlines in recent weeks as crude oil prices shot to all-time highs. Tough competition has made it difficult for domestic airlines to raise fares fast enough to keep pace with rising fuel costs being as it is a untenable and fake pyramid scheme in reality, leaving carriers scrambling to find additional cost savings and new sources of revenue. Southwest was considering a series of bank jobs to pull in some new cash flow since the funny safety procedures routine has shown itself to be just a cheap ploy at appearing like a company that cares.
Delta Airlines earlier in the day announced plans to shed 2,000 employees like a scab off a chancre. Administrative and management jobs will be dumped through voluntary severance payouts and other initiatives the employees have to take."What other choices do these lackeys have?" commented an unnamed heartless bitch at Delta in charge of the reductions. Unbeknownst to her, the regional manager Jim Hertsfelt confided her unnamed head is on the block directly after she finished his present wet business. "Serves the cunt right, she is so gloating," he said.
Burgerrsheister said JetBlue, expects to roll out a program called "Can You Breathe Now" that will offer passengers an oxygen mask that will provide superior air especially filtered and cleaned for an added fee. A spokeswoman declined to provide details of the plan, but Burgerrsheister made it clear the newly double-class carrier can dial back the air in the rest of the cabin making passengers "slightly uncomfortable, but not dangerously so" if the additional air is not purchased. JetBlue is not planning to start offering the additional air in business-class service since they have "paid enough to deserve decent air. We're going to a two-cabin airplane," he said with a smile. "If you are in the shitty seats, your gonna need the extra air. We're very open to different types of opportunities, we may even make people sit on milk crates at some point" he said. "We want the money and do not really care if our customers wish to part with it. Once your on our plane," he smiled, "your ass is mine."
4/23/07
Already Got Mine Nigga...
U.S. hip-hop, super freak executive Russell Simmons on Monday recommended eliminating the words "bitch," "ho" and "nigger" from the recording industry, considering them "extreme curse words, and besides I like being the richest nigga in history, more niggaz mean less money, if you know what I'm saying!" The statement was jointly issued and concluded "We recommend that the recording and broadcast industries voluntarily remove/bleep/delete the misogynistic words 'bitch' and 'ho' and the racially offensive word 'nigger'," Simmons and Benjamin Chavis, co-chairmen of the advocacy group Hip-Hop Brown Peoples Summit Action Network read aloud together.
Simmons, co-founder of the Def Jam label and a driving force behind hip-hop's huge commercial success, called for voluntary restrictions on the words and setting up an industry watchdog to recommend guidelines for lyrical and visual standards. " We need a bigass Christian white lady who knows how to keep a nigga in line. I was thinking that shaky old Janet Reno probably knows how to lay it out and she's just sitting around in Florida, right?" Simmons said. When asked by a female BBC reporter if it was a hypocritical stance considering the fortune made by Simmons on the hip hop industry, Simmons responded " Shouldn't you be somewhere poppin your pussy? I am trying to help America out here."
Simmons, co-founder of the Def Jam label and a driving force behind hip-hop's huge commercial success, called for voluntary restrictions on the words and setting up an industry watchdog to recommend guidelines for lyrical and visual standards. " We need a bigass Christian white lady who knows how to keep a nigga in line. I was thinking that shaky old Janet Reno probably knows how to lay it out and she's just sitting around in Florida, right?" Simmons said. When asked by a female BBC reporter if it was a hypocritical stance considering the fortune made by Simmons on the hip hop industry, Simmons responded " Shouldn't you be somewhere poppin your pussy? I am trying to help America out here."
4/20/07
Kinky, Vile Sex in Tennensee? The Shame.
While the very thought may seem improbable, there is apparently kinky sex happening in Tennessee and unbelievably with PREACHERS no less. This according to Mary Winkler, who was convicted of voluntary manslaughter after shooting her husband to death with a shotgun. She testified she had to wear wigs and heels and even "slutty skirts for her husband." In this shocking case of abuse, she was also forced to watch pornography on her husbands computer." I just wanted us to make the filthy act through holes in our marriage sheets while praising Jesus our Lord and savior while creating more offspring to carry his glorious message to the world" she stated after her trial. " I am not a whore of Babylon!" she screamed angelically at reporters. "My husband soiled the word of the Lord God with his disgusting perversions and lusts."
Thankfully, the horrible nature of Mathew Winkler, her husband, did not appear to affect their children, one of whom testified he was a "wonderful father" at her mothers trial. When asked about her future plans Winkler stated she hoped to be an active figure in Prison Evangelical groups "teaching other women they are not at fault for the ugly lustful sin men bring to the world." At least two Egyptian fundamentalist Muslim groups have issued statements applauding her "heroic and morally correct actions" and one group had offered to remove her "vagina and dirty pillows to free you from your mortal chains." It is unclear if Winkler had a response to the offer.
4/18/07
Pet Food Recall Human Deaths
The pet food poisonings which have recently traumatized the nation have now been linked to the deaths of at least 4 homeless men in three cities. After having consumed Frisky Puss Choice Tender Veal Nibblets, apparently a favorite among bums due to the tender chunks of real rejected veal, all 4 men suffered fatal respiratory failure. The names of the victims have not been released because no one cares and they were not cute nor lovable.
3/27/07
Wikipedia reaches the logical conclusion
Wikipedia, the web's most unique and massive utilization of free zombie labor, has reached a decision on the future direction of the successfully strange experiment. Facing competition from Citizendium, questions about it's accuracy and with the same blindly misguided Democratic force that made it the world's most popular online encyclopedia, Wikipedia has subjected itself to "speedy deletion" due to complete irrelevance. As one former Wiki administrator "nawlin's wiki"commented after the announcement," It was like, What am I doing? I have wasted three years of my life waving an imaginary big dick around cyberspace, and for what? I've got these idiotic barnstars created by other dumbshits and "awarded" to me and a big list of other people's writing I crapped on and a bigger list of my accomplishments that somebody else could just EDIT! I am just going back to jerking off to porn. I should have designed some software or at least had a girlfriend" Lessons learned.
3/23/07
The 93,600,000 Yen Cum Shot
Prince of Japanese porn Asakada Yumicho signed a deal on Wednesday with mega mogul Richard Branson to film the first ever porn movie in space for an incredible $800,000. Scheduled for 2009, the movie will be filmed on Virgin Galactica's initial commercial flight of SpaceShipOne and will have three male actors, two camera men and has actually brought famed Japanese Fuck Girl Akira Watase out of retirement.
Yumicho responded to questions about safety of the actors and the overall cost of the project; "Look, this is only going to happen once, and as a proud Japanese patriot, I was going to make sure we were the ones to do it. We have perfected this art on this planet and we will be the first to perfect it in space. In terms of physical safety, the actors are well aware of the dangers involved but are proud to participate in this historical event regardless of the risks."
The beautiful 23 year old Watase stated in Tokyo on Thursday "After taking literally thousands of cumshots in my face, ass and pussy, how bad could space be? I mean a 4 minute scene should be no problem after experiencing gangbangs that sometimes lasted for six or seven hours straight. Really, I once drank 132 ounces of spunk! I am more worried about making sure the goo gets on my face and in a beautiful and elegant way!"
Her concerns seem well founded considering no one truly knows the effect weightlessness will have on the actors. "The guys will have to be getting ready for the big shot before take off even occurs" laughed Branson, "we are talking about a ninety second flight before reaching weightlessness and four minutes of that isn't a long time to reach a climax! At least for an old guy like me." When asked why a man with everything would want to participate in such a questionable historical event, Branson said "It's my way of realizing a personal fantasy I had of ejaculating on the face of that black bitch from the old Star Trek. But she's an old woman now, so why not this? Besides, I am so rich who can say bollocks?"
Yumicho seemed less concerned about his male actors or the negative press. "I am taking my most dependable shooters, they cum on command like good soldiers, these guys could cum while asleep if need be. They will deliver. I am more worried about the technical aspects and making sure to capture this moment beautifully for Japan and for mankind. There will be only one take, it is the epitome of utilizing ones ultimate skills." The plot and action sequence is tightly under wraps but it is assumed the movies will involve pre-flight foreplay and copulation, the space money shots and some sperm play while floating back to earth. If Yumicho holds to his artful tradition, fans will make this THE classic Japanese cosplay movie. Three small cumshots for Wakase, one giant squirt for outerspace sex movies.
Yumicho responded to questions about safety of the actors and the overall cost of the project; "Look, this is only going to happen once, and as a proud Japanese patriot, I was going to make sure we were the ones to do it. We have perfected this art on this planet and we will be the first to perfect it in space. In terms of physical safety, the actors are well aware of the dangers involved but are proud to participate in this historical event regardless of the risks."
The beautiful 23 year old Watase stated in Tokyo on Thursday "After taking literally thousands of cumshots in my face, ass and pussy, how bad could space be? I mean a 4 minute scene should be no problem after experiencing gangbangs that sometimes lasted for six or seven hours straight. Really, I once drank 132 ounces of spunk! I am more worried about making sure the goo gets on my face and in a beautiful and elegant way!"
Her concerns seem well founded considering no one truly knows the effect weightlessness will have on the actors. "The guys will have to be getting ready for the big shot before take off even occurs" laughed Branson, "we are talking about a ninety second flight before reaching weightlessness and four minutes of that isn't a long time to reach a climax! At least for an old guy like me." When asked why a man with everything would want to participate in such a questionable historical event, Branson said "It's my way of realizing a personal fantasy I had of ejaculating on the face of that black bitch from the old Star Trek. But she's an old woman now, so why not this? Besides, I am so rich who can say bollocks?"
Yumicho seemed less concerned about his male actors or the negative press. "I am taking my most dependable shooters, they cum on command like good soldiers, these guys could cum while asleep if need be. They will deliver. I am more worried about the technical aspects and making sure to capture this moment beautifully for Japan and for mankind. There will be only one take, it is the epitome of utilizing ones ultimate skills." The plot and action sequence is tightly under wraps but it is assumed the movies will involve pre-flight foreplay and copulation, the space money shots and some sperm play while floating back to earth. If Yumicho holds to his artful tradition, fans will make this THE classic Japanese cosplay movie. Three small cumshots for Wakase, one giant squirt for outerspace sex movies.
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